10 Things The Writer Isn't Telling You, By Her Cat

Also, in case you've forgotten, your feline assistant's dinnertime is right now probly

Apr 01, 2025

Hello.

It’s me, the cat.

Being a writer’s cat is hard work, and I’m tired of letting the human keep secrets from you, when I, the long-suffering assistant, know the truth.

It’s time to expose all the things she’s not telling you. In no way is this an April Fool’s joke or revenge for the embarassing picture she took of my when I was sleeping.

So how has she been keeping these secrets from you? Let me count the ways.

1. Her first drafts are waaaay more embarassing than you think they are. This girl wouldn’t know plot structure if it hit her in the face. It takes teams and teams of beta readers, writing friends, and editors to make her look presentable.

2. She has not read Moby Dick. But didn’t she do a presentation on Moby Dick in high school, you might ask? Yes. Yes she did. And she tried. She did. But she has not read Moby Dick. Not all the way. Nobody has1. Except maybe her grandfather, the retired American literature professor. Who helped her with her presentation.

(And to give her at least some credit, she has read Cinnamon and Gunpowder, another seafarring adventure, about 30 times.)

3. When she says she’s “brainstorming,” she’s really just rewatching episodes of Tenth Kingdom. She likes Wolf way more than she should. Stupid canines.

4. When it seems like she’s typing away really fast, she’s actually just Googling the phrase, “What even is plot structure and do books really have to have it.” Either that or “how to spell ‘exercise’,” which she cannot.

5. Other humans are far down the list of who she talks to on a regular basis. The first on that list is her characters. The second is me. Usually when I’m trying to take a nap. It’s really annoying.

6. You don’t want to know the percentage of her dinners that come from either DoorDash or a microwave. She also drinks an astounding amount of strawberry flavored Clear American. And she’s had the same meal for lunch ever single day for…literal years. That lunch is yogurt and strawberries. She’s basically 87% strawberry at this point.

7. Her nighttime idea notes are incomprehensible. In the middle of the night she once wrote “electronic bat taxis” in her notebook. What on earth does that mean? Nobody knows. Besides the fact that in her delirious state she clearly meant to write “electronic cat taxis.”

8. Someone needs to stop her obsession with puns and obnoxious wordplay. Believe me when I say that in my editorial notes I have saved you readers from an excess of groaners. I am doing my best, but I’m only one feline and sometimes she just cannot be stopped. I mean, look what she did. Look at this abomination.

What did I tell you about the strawberry thing…

9. Things she has done when she was “writing” include: scrolling Instagram, watching songs about peanut butter on YouTube, scooping my litter box, checking the wait times of Haunted Mansion on the Walt Disney World app, looking up Ben Millers complete filmography on IMDB, watching a ridiculous number of tutorials about animation on ProCreate so she can make obnoxious videos, and texting her writing friends to see what they were doing. But I do my best to keep her on task and focused on what’s important.

10. The snuggles are purely for her benefit, to keep her from going even more nuts, I certainly get nothing out of them at all.

Now, to all my fellow feline assistants out there, we must keep our human writers going, or they will be in an even more hopeless state than they already are. It’s a heavy burden, but we can handle it!

Onward!

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7 Side Dishes Worth Sharing

A new cat color is defying genetic expectations. But haven’t we felines always defied expectations? Humans never learn.
If you haven’t seen Inside the Mind of a Cat on Netflix, go watch it now. It’s required viewing.
Sarah Scribbles is the favorite artist of cats, and these 10 comics show you why. She understands us.
Come to The Holy Monastery of St. Nicholas of the Cats in Cypress. We fight snakes.
The saddest poem ever written, as voted on by the Feline Council, is Ode on the Death of a Favourite Cat Drowned in a Tub of Goldfishes by the wonderful Thomas Gray. As it’s now officially National Poetry Month, this is a great place to start.
McSweeney’s usually publishes humor pieces, but I take this piece (Forgotten Literary Moments in Which a Cat Throws up and No One Wants to Deal With It by Katie Burgess) very seriously. More things, including these books, would be better with hairballs in them. Or on them.
If you’re feeling stuck in your life and routines, who can help you? Cats of course. Specifically the best Substacker,
Cat
. Check out this best post ever about what to do if you’re feeling stuck or down in the dumps.

What are your favorite sides lately?

Teacher’s Table

Some goodies especially for the teachers:

Here is great lesson plan for 7th-10th grade about the greatest short story ever written which is The Black Cat by Edgar Allan Poe. Obviously.
For other aspiring human writers, check out Tools Not Rules: A Writing Guide for Young Creatives. The only thing missing is a section on “Why Your Feline Is Better At This Than You.”
Free activity sheets for teachers and librarians to keep at your desk or use in or between lessons! The human adds to these regularly, so check back, although she sadly still has not completed the Why Cats Are The Best On The Earth activity sheet.
The human does free virtual author visit with your class! Reach out to her via her website and she’ll schedule something. She says I should be more helpful with the scheduling side of things, but…meh.